What’s in a Song?
In her recording of the song, “Flattery Will Get You Everywhere,” country singer Lynn Anderson mines various facets of flattery.[i] She acknowledges that if someone utters unkind words, her mind “would soon close from ear to ear.” But if a suitor or acquaintance flatters her, she devours their words and “lick[s] the [platter] clean . . . so starved” is she for “pretty words [that] are ever insincere.” She is cognizant of the calculating traits of flattery, but she does not seem to care because she thrives on the attention flattery offers. Emboldened by the charisma of flattery, she tells her flatterer to “brag [her] up” because “flattery will get you everywhere.” The back note of these lyrics suggests that the one being flattered is a co-conspirator, a willing accomplice to flattery’s devious and perhaps not-so-devious ways.
What’s in a Name?: Defining Flattery at Its Worst or at Its Best?
Richard Stengel defines flattery as “strategic praise; praise with a purpose. It may be inflated or exaggerated or it may be accurate and truthful, but it is praise that seeks some result . . . It is a kind of manipulation of reality that uses the enhancement of another for our own self-advantage. It can even be genuine praise.”[ii] Representations of flattery do not have to be fixed to a particular time, motive, context, definition or synonym. If compared to a whack-a-mole game, flattery-laden expressions are ripe for parody because they can pop up at any time with little warning. Though they disappear when whacked, they reappear – albeit in a new guise – with the same intent of avoiding being whacked down for good. The field of sociology translates flattery as a form of ingratiation. As Edward Jones maintains, those of us who exploit flattery to meet our objectives “influence others to give us the things we want more than they do, by giving them the things they want more than we do.”[iii] Still, the lubricants of deception and self-interest frequently oil the pernicious words and slippery characteristics of flattery. As Stengel notes, “Flattery at its core is language that advances self-interest while concealing it at the same time.”[iv] The capacity of malicious flattery to conceal its motives makes it that much more beguiling and harmful.
When flattery masquerades as a vital affirmer of others, it is bereft of integrity and wanting in candor. The destination of flattery leads back to the flatterer. Preoccupied with its own agenda, flattery toys with the esteem of others – or lack thereof – even as it appears to honor those it knows. As Stengel observes, “Flattery is also a kind of mask, a mask that protects and enhances the flatterer in the guise of enhancing the person being flattered.”[v] Several biblical passages spotlight the double-talk and singular intentions of flattery. Psalm 12:2 cautions that those with “flattering lips” also speak falsehoods “with a double heart.”[vi] With poetic aplomb, Psalm 5:9 unleashes a scathing critique of the flatterer by announcing:
For there is no truth in their mouths;
their hearts are destruction;
their throats are open graves;
they flatter with their tongues.
In the same vein, Proverbs 26:28 declares, “A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.” Flattery is no respecter of socio-economic condition, status, national affiliation, religious conviction, belief, or political persuasion. When we adhere to the deceptive traits of flattery and depend on this device to assuage our goals, we can rebuff respectful and transparent connections with others in favor of facilitating our own agenda.
Dally With Flattery to Our Peril?
Flattery is not the source of debilitating behaviors or the conduit of all social ills, nor does it engender a formulaic one-size-fits-all response. We don’t have to treat what appears to be a genuine affirming comment as a linguistic wolf in sheep’s clothing. We don’t have to feign humility by denying that we enjoy being flattered or flattering others. The thrill of being flattered is a legitimate experience and ought not to be dismissed as irrelevant. Flattery can be healing for those receptive to words of assurance. Accepting compliments of flattery can feel like receiving a warm, tender backrub. Being affirmed for a particular quality or feature can boost a person’s spirit and put a bounce in their step. Alternately, those of us who treat flattery with suspicion find hints of linguistic fawning irritating. Our eyes glaze over when greeted with honeyed statements of flattery. While cynicism can douse the effectiveness of shallow compliments, the caution here is to resist positioning ourselves as the flattery police (excuse the pun) as we give ourselves the authority to judge the motives behind behaviors as suspect.
Any number of factors can contribute to individuals being susceptible to the ploys of flattery. We may struggle with emotional deprivation, grapple with low self-image, strive for affection, wrestle with abandonment, or feel embattled by relational tensions. One marketing study found that the potency of flattery is such that our awareness of persuasive promotional techniques often fails to inhibit our decision to patronize a consumer outfit. [vii] As Jaideep Sengupta and Elaine Chan assert, complimenting a customer increases store loyalty, showing that “insincere flattery actually works.”[viii] Still, the profits of this marketing method do not quell the hazards associated with succumbing to the lure of flattery. David J. Ley observes that when a counselor draws on flattery to address a client’s perceived need, such an inappropriate action cannot eradicate the “complex interaction between [our] inner world and [our] social environment, heavily influenced by [our] history.”[ix] Being caught up in the salacious charms of flattery can undermine our discernment on how to wisely engage our need for acknowledgment.
When flattery dominates our attention and dissuades us from seeking encouragement from a loving God, we become spiritually porous. We function like a sieve unable to contain the refreshment a liquid diet of flattery promises to meet but rarely, if ever, fully delivers. We become accessories to our own diminishment. Spiritual amnesia and impotency set in. We forget that God understands our desire to feel seen, heard, and appreciated. We can also mask the motives lying behind our penchant for flattery with religious platitudes and theological hyperbole. For example, favorable remarks addressing the progress of an individual’s faith journey can be loaded with verses cherry-picked to aid a particular agenda. In the name of being a good example of the faith, recipients of flattery may perform tasks that serve the interest of the flatterer. Affirmations that attach faithfulness to the doing of ministry leave little-to-no room for individuals to be frank about their human frailties, doubts, and shortcomings. Biblical passages taken out of context can encourage individuals to feel good about being overcommitted and overwhelmed, depleting their experience of loving God and being loved by God. Encoded with apparent virtuous sentiments, language that connects performance with trying hard to “please the Lord” can fuel shame and induce exhaustion. Religious proclamations imbued with flattery can go undetected as disingenuous because these pronouncements appear to echo biblical principles. In worst-case scenarios, religious platitudes trigger anxiety in individuals who cannot live up to the expectations of others but sadly still compulsively try to do so. In this regard, flattery can be considered a form of grooming.
Confronting Racial Injustice with The Flattery Mask of Grins and Lies
From another standpoint, flattery can certainly be adopted to confront inequity and injustice. Paul Laurence Dunbar’s “We Wear the Mask” gives insight into how members of the Black community confront racism through performing flattery during antebellum slavery and other eras. In the first stanza of his poem, Dunbar proclaims:
We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, –
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile
And mouth with myriad subtleties…[x]
When the enslaved flatter the ego of slavery condoners with grins, they manipulate racialized biases by giving the impression that the exploited are defenseless, malleable, and happy with their lot. With “human guile” and cunning, those wearing “the mask that grins and lies” play up to caricatures meant to demean the dignity of Black people.[xi] Wearing this mask pacifies their “audience,” whose arrogance and prejudices mean they are blind to the “myriad subtleties” the enslaved express through their mastery of communication skills and astute performances of flattery.[xii] When they “wear the mask,” they deflect attention away from their ingenuity as Black people to cultivate and cherish safe psychological and spiritual spaces within themselves where they nurse their “torn and bleeding hearts.”[xiii] There, the wearers of the mask can care for themselves and express any manner of emotions without seeking the approval of an indifferent society.[xiv]
As a form of self-protection, strategic performances of flattery can also shield us from the prying eyes and activities of those intent on controlling our movements when wielding systemic power over us. The wearing of such personas enabled many enslaved Black people to escape slavery and save their lives from brutal persecution. Their will to survive reigned. And yet, employing flattery as a gateway for survival cannot be relied upon to usurp an unjust system. No matter how noble the intentions, using cajolery as a tool to confront systemic disparities carries the risk of individuals becoming flattery. If flattery is considered an essential tactic of liberation, it can cause individuals to believe that their only recourse is to appropriate its contrivances in order to realize their worth and independence.
Dunbar continues in “We Wear the Mask:”
Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.[xv]
The mask encompasses numerous experiences of those subjected to racial terror. The wearing of the mask shields the wearer from “the world” that disassociates itself from the pain of the enslaved by “counting all our tears and sighs.”[xvi] This is the world that commodifies Black people, sees them less as human and more as properties to be exploited for their free labor. In its global scope, this is “the world” that forsakes acknowledging the sacred humanity of Black people. Barren of empathy, “the world” neglects to battle against the tyranny Black people work to overcome. Still, Dunbar emphasizes that those who possess systemic influence and enjoy cultural dominance cannot dictate how individuals subjected to their cruelty wear the mask. Indeed, they cannot determine when those who wear the mask as a form of protection put on these symbolic facial attires in order to ensure their own self and communal preservation. The enslaved honored their sacred selves by refusing to be vulnerable with those indifferent to their feelings and experiences. Historian Deborah Gray White laments that “so much of what we would like to know about slave women [and men] can never be known because they masked their thoughts and personalities in order to protect valued parts of their lives from white and male invasion.”[xvii] Still, our Black ancestors teach us that the end goal of covert performative techniques is to protect our vulnerable selves and not showcase them for the amusement of those unresponsive to our circumstances. Dunbar conveys this sentiment beautifully when he reveals:
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask![xviii]
True, “the clay” paving the miles of liberation that our Black ancestors trod was long and arduous and “vile” – and continues to be.[xix] And yet, the appearance of flattery can hide a critical, discerning, and shrewd mind from condoners of racial terror. Like our enslaved forebearers, we too have power. We can allow ourselves to feel on our own terms. We can cry out, “O great Christ.”[xx] We can choose what others see. And if they only see what they want to see, we have not lost our authority and capacity to see ourselves. We do not have to be rendered incapable of agency by the traumas we experience. We do not have to disassociate ourselves from our emotions and the injustices we combat.
Handling Flattery with Care: Self and Communal Examination
In the spirit of acknowledging our humanity, we do not have to become the moral police when dismantling the harmful facades of flattery. The aim here is not to allow our uses of flattery to become our primary source for validation. When we seek relevance by withholding our motives from God, we ironically become dependent on unreliable ways of being. In our relentless endeavor to establish our worth, we jockey for human recognition or invest our sense of merit in securing the approval of others. We become pulled into an exhausting cycle of striving that fails to satisfy our need for acceptance, belonging, peace.
There is hope. When we yield to manipulative forms of flattery, rather than being hard on ourselves, we can welcome these moments as learning opportunities. We can invite God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit – whomever makes sense to us at any given time – to guide us in understanding our relationship with flattery. If we feel the impulse to self-edit our responses, let us ask God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to help us answer these questions as honestly as we can. This is not an exhaustive set of inquiries for contemplation, nor must they be treated as an excuse to wallow in self-judgment or condemnation. Instead, let us be kind to ourselves as we consider how God can deepen our awareness of how we can be misguided by flattery:
• When are we most open, most vulnerable to the schemes of flattery?
• Who can deceive us through flattery and why?
• When do we use flattery in our relationships and why?
• How does flattery make us feel and why? Do we swat its advances? Do we embrace it wholeheartedly? Does it make us feel uncomfortable? Does it make our hearts soar? Explain and share your observations with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit – whomever is more relatable to you.
• Are we willing to ask God to help us experience the love of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit in deeper ways instead of being led by the whims of flattery?
• Can befriending or at the very least reframing flattery deepen our relationship with God, others, and ourselves?
Befriending Flattery?
It can be argued that at times, numerous Pharisees, Sadducees, and scribes – the religious and social code gatekeepers of Jesus’ day – used flattery to entrap Jesus and discredit his authority. They appeared to commend his standing as a teacher by raising questions for him to answer. Their use of flattery boosted their political standing as interpreters of religious law and bolstered their image as defenders of social mores. Whatever the motives of these religious influencers, it is interesting to note that Jesus did not insist they address him in a particular manner, nor did he idolize them or attribute meaning to their salutations by gauging whether or not they were respectful. In this, Jesus did not dwell on their appraisals, anchor his identity to their station, or cement his worth to their assessment of his personhood, divinity, and ministry.
God’s love and affirmation of Jesus is enough for him. It is from this love that Jesus praised the despised in public – often while his haters and disciples surrounded him. Jesus did not cling to the individuals he affirmed or demand they follow or thank him for healing them. It was not uncommon for Jesus to uphold the marginalized as examples of faith for his followers and disciples to emulate. At the same time, Jesus did not vie for the attention of others or lie to those he met for his own gain. He received the generosity, love, and hospitality of others. Jesus commended a woman for washing his feet with ointment from an alabaster jar and defended her honor by rebuking his disciples who criticized her for lavishing him with such a rich offering of devotion.[xxi] Not one to pander to flattery, Jesus aligned himself with those whose affiliations provoked criticism and incited backlash. He publicly praised a Roman centurion for laying aside his privilege and connections when he placed his faith in Jesus’ ability to heal his ailing daughter. When Jesus esteemed this centurion by proclaiming that “in no one in Israel have I found such faith,” his act of affirmation put them both at risk.[xxii] They could have both been ostracized or harmed by their people due to the history of the Roman empire persecuting the Israelites. Likewise, Jesus acknowledged those who thanked and praised him for touching their lives profoundly, without pressuring them to interact with him out of a sense of obligation.[xxiii] Jesus found guidance and wisdom from being loved and led by the God who did not flatter or entrap him.
Perhaps we have much to thank flattery for – or any other mode of relational communication for that matter. When we pay attention to how the insidious characteristics of flattery draw our attention away from God, we are presented with opportunities to lay aside such habits in the name of love. We need each other to know how to love. We need God to teach us how to love him and one another. The first commandment ingeniously teaches us that as we “love God with all [our] heart, and with all [our] soul, and with all [our] mind, and with all [our] strength,”[xxiv] we can experience a limitless abundance of love from God and extend that love to others.
Spiritual growth deepens when we allow God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit to teach us that we need not fawn over others in order to be seen, heard, and valued. We can find solace in the wisdom that God does not call us to fawn after him but love him. With God’s help, we can encourage one another without wanting something back in return. With God’s help, we can receive acclamations without giving it power to define us. With God’s help, we can affirm one another unconditionally without trying to control an outcome or impel others to do our bidding. As we relinquish our need to retain the manipulative components of flattery, we can discover the God who spurns deceiving us. Unhindered by flattery, God gives us room to choose how we enter into a loving relationship with manifestations of God. As we surrender our desire for self-motivated displays of flattery, we meet the God who balks at cheapening our relationship with empty soundbites. As we lay down our dependency on abusing damaging forms of flattery, we learn about a God who honors us, rescues us, protects us, satisfies us, and answers us when we call out to him.[xxv] This love is undistorted by trickery. This love refuses to lie. This love is steadfast and unencumbered by fickleness. What love is this? This love basks in the limitless confidence of God. The love of God does not command we be overly grateful, but receive a God who loves to love. God’s love assures us we are precious. God laughs with us and not at us. God cherishes us and relishes spending time with us. God’s love is not self-serving but other-serving. This love births peace. God comforts and encourages and delights in us. This love respects us enough not to mislead us. God does not hide from trouble or court deception. This love does not require we smile or contort ourselves into a fake persona in order to commune with God. Questions, doubts, and jealousy find respite in the love of God. Anger, depression and anxiety find acceptance in the love of God. This love is neither possessive or obsessive, but instead opens the heart to love. God does not use or need flattery. God’s name is not flattery. God’s name is love.
Claudia May, Ph.D., is a poet, scholar, educator, and spiritual director. She is the author of the award-winning children’s book, When I Fly with Papa (theclaudiamay.com), and Jesus is Enough: Love, Hope, and Comfort in the Storms of Life (Augsburg). Support Dr. Claudia May’s writing by purchasing her children’s book, When I Fly with Papa, via her website: https://www.theclaudiamay.com/shop
[i] Anderson, Lynn. “Flattery Will Get You Everywhere.” With Love, from Lynn, Chart, 1969. LyricFind, https://bit.ly/3mIs7Fr
[ii] Richard Stengel, You’re Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery (New York, Simon & Schuster) 14-15.
[iii] Edward E. Jones, Ingratiation: A Social Psychology Analysis (New York: Appleton-Century-Crofts, 1964); Edward E. Jones and Camille Wortman, Ingratiation: An Attributional Approach (Morristown, N.J.: General Learning Press, 1973); Richard Stengel, You’re Too Kind: A Brief History of Flattery (New York, Simon & Schuster), 21.
[iv] Richard Stengel, You’re Too Kind: A Brief History Of Flattery (New York, Simon & Schuster) 16.
[v] Stengel, 15.
[vi] New Revised Standard Version. Bible Gateway, www.biblegateway.com.
[vii] Jaideep Sengupta and Elaine Chan, “Insincere Flattery Actually Works: A Dual Attitudes Perspective.” Journal of Marketing Research 47 (1), 122-133.
[viii] Ibid, 122-133.
[ix] David J. Ley, “Flattery Is Poor Therapy: Therapists should never tell their patients they are attractive.” Psychology Today, June 27, 2021.
[x] Paul Laurence Dunbar, “We Wear the Mask.” The Complete Poems of Paul Laurence Dunbar (New York: Dodd, Mead and Company). Poetry Foundation, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44203/we-wear-the-mask.
[xi] Dunbar.
[xii] Dunbar.
[xiii] Dunbar.
[xiv] Dunbar.
[xv] Dunbar.
[xvi] Dunbar.
[xvii] Deborah Gray White. Ar’n’t I a Woman?: Female Slaves in the Plantation South, Revised Edition (W.W. Norton & Company, 1999), 24.
[xviii] Paul Laurence Dunbar, “We Wear the Mask.” The Complete Poems of Paul Laurence Dunbar (New York: Dodd, Mead and Company). Poetry Foundation, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44203/we-wear-the-mask.
[xix] Dunbar.
[xx] Dunbar.
[xxi] Matthew 26:6-13.
[xxii] Matthew 8:10.
[xxiii] See Mark 1:40-45; Mark 5:21-43; Mark 7:31-37.
[xxiv] Mark 12:30.
[xxv] See Psalm 91:14-16.